Let’s talk about this Thanksgiving poll Instacart blessed us with a few weeks ago.
An online survey conducted in October asked more than 2,000 U.S. adults a series of Turkey Day-related questions, and the answers have me both simultaneously seen and triggered at the same time. (Millennials, I used those terms correctly, right?)
Here’s some highlights and lowlights:
CHEERS | The hatred for cranberry sauce is strong
According to this survey, 29 percent of Americans hate cranberry sauce out of a can, which begs the question: Who are the remaining 71 percent of people who do?
Exhibit A: Cranberries are harvested in bogs. You people are eating what bogs wanted to flush away down the river to the swamp.
And, please, explain to me how something that looks like you mixed coagulated blood and gelatin together seems appetizing.
Literally the only cranberries that aren’t horrendous are the ones from Ireland that made ‘90s pop rock.
JEERS | Green bean casserole is being mistreated
So, 24 percent of you turkeys believe that green bean casserole is the worst Thanksgiving dish.
And here’s why you’re wrong.
Green beans, they’re not the tastiest of foods on their own, but they’re healthy for you. Of the veggies we’re forced to eat to be “productive adults,” people could do a lot worse than green beans.
Plus, you know, they put that fancy Funyun-adjacent stuff right there on top.
C’mon. Wake up people.
CHEERS | Some people don’t like pie, and that’s OK
No. I’m not a huge fan of pie. In the world of confections, pie doesn’t hold a candle to things like cake or cookies or brownies or, well, a lot of dishes.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ll eat it. In fact, we’ll eat it, Per this survey, 94 percent of people eat pie on Thanksgiving and 21 percent of those people say they don’t like it and eat it anyway.
So, today, I vow to create a safe space for those afraid to admit that pie is just meh.
JEERS | Millennials don’t like leftovers
There is literally nothing better in the world than a Black Friday lunch consisting of leftover turkey sandwiches.
And for those who disagree, don’t voice it. Dems is fightin’ words.
But, apparently, 32 percent of Millennials are too good to eat food that’s been reheated.
It’s truly a travesty to find myself lumped into this generation.
CHEERS | Cheez Whiz is apparently a holiday staple
According to Instacart — which for those who foolishly shop in person is a grocery delivery/pick-up service — demand for Cheez Whiz consistently booms in the weeks ahead of Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Last year, Cheez Whiz spiked 158 percent ahead of Turkey Day.
I don’t know if I’ve ever had anything for Thanksgiving that required Cheez Whiz, but I’m all for it.
It’s cheese … in a can … people. This give you the ability to directly spray delicious cheese-like substance right into your mouth.
How can you not get on board with that?
JEERS | Men are lazy
Nearly half of the men surveyed in this poll (42 percent) said they’d rather give up watching football for a month than be responsible for cooking Thanksgiving dinner.
Fellas, let’s be realistic here. You’d say you’d give up football for a month, but you wouldn’t make it through game two of the Thanksgiving Day NFL slate.
You’re telling me you’re cool with not updating your fantasy football roster throughout the entire postseason? Oh, and no college bowl games for you, either.
Just man up and grab a spatula.
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